meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
