I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
