Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
