I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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