You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Still dying that you shit outside
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
