Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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