I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
