Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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