Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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