fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He better not be in your backpack
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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