We got so high we made milksteak
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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