imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
