Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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