shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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