If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
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Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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