Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
