I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
