im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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