I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
