I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
