Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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