it's too hot outside to masturbate.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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