It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
