Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
