so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
