If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
