That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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