Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
