I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
