that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
