it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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