His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
