why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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