I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
