God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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