So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
vagina is talking i cant
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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