I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
