a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
