Joe is yelling at the trees again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
