He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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