My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
