I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
