Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
