I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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