I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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