Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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