i already hear my dad disowning me
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
