Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
