so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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