I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
