i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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