I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
