My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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