Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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