I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Two words: blizzard sex
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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