Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
