I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
