Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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