I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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