Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
