can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
