so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
