My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
